Sober but Stuck: How Narcissists Hold You Back from Healing

Let’s be real: deciding to get sober is already one of the hardest, bravest choices you’ll ever make. It takes guts to look yourself in the mirror and admit, “I need a change. I deserve better.” That moment—when you decide you’re done with the numbing, the cycles, the regret takes more courage than most people will ever understand.

But here’s the truth that nobody wants to talk about: it’s damn near impossible to heal when you’re chained to someone who keeps breaking you down. Especially if that “someone” is a narcissist.

Sobriety isn’t just about saying no to the drink or the pill or the hit. It’s about saying yes to yourself. It’s about protecting your peace, learning who you really are, and building a life that actually feels worth living. But if you’re living under the weight of someone toxic—someone who thrives on control, manipulation, and keeping you small—sobriety can start to feel like trying to run a marathon with ankle weights on.

And if you’ve been there (or you’re there right now), you know exactly what I mean.

The Narcissist’s Trap

Here’s the twisted thing about narcissists: they can sense when you’re trying to grow. It’s like they smell your freedom before you even take the first step toward it. And instead of cheering you on, they do everything in their power to pull you back.

Why? Because your healing threatens their control.

When you’re numbing, when you’re doubting yourself, when you’re too exhausted to think clearly—that’s when they win. That’s when they can whisper things like, “You’ll never change.” Or, “You think you’re better than me now?” Or even, “See, you’re failing again—just give up.”

They feed off your weakness because it makes them feel strong. They feed off your doubt because it makes them feel secure. And if you start taking back your power through sobriety? Well, that terrifies them.

How They Hold You Back

Let’s break down some of the ways a narcissist can keep you stuck in the cycle:

1. Sabotaging your progress.
   They might pour you a drink “just to celebrate” or leave a bottle out when they know you’re trying to quit. They frame it as casual, but it’s intentional.

2. Gaslighting your reality.
   When you set boundaries—like saying, “I can’t be around alcohol right now”—they’ll make you feel like you’re overreacting. Suddenly, you’re the “dramatic one.”

3. Undermining your confidence.
   Narcissists are experts at making you question yourself. They’ll throw out comments like, “You’ve tried before, and it didn’t work. Why bother?”

4. Keeping you isolated.
   They don’t want you to find community or support, because connection is freedom. So they’ll criticize your sober friends, mock support groups, or guilt you for “not spending enough time with them.”

5. Weaponizing your past.
   Every mistake you’ve ever made under the influence? They’ll throw it in your face the second you start rising above it.

And here’s the kicker: sometimes it doesn’t even look like sabotage. Sometimes it’s disguised as “love” or “concern.” That’s why it’s so confusing—and so damaging.

The Emotional Toll

When you’re trying to get sober in the presence of a narcissist, you’re not just fighting cravings. You’re fighting a war inside your own mind.

You start asking yourself:

• Am I really capable of changing?

• Am I being selfish for wanting more?

• What if they’re right and I’ll never make it?

That constant push and pull—it’s exhausting. It makes you feel like sobriety is just another battlefield, another place you’re failing. Trust me I know this feeling all too well. 

But listen closely: it’s not you. It’s the environment. Healing can’t grow in soil that’s poisoned. You can water yourself with all the affirmations and discipline in the world, but if someone keeps pouring toxins into your roots, of course it feels impossible to bloom.

What Freedom Really Looks Like

Here’s the truth they don’t want you to know: the version of you on the other side of sobriety? She’s powerful. She’s clear-headed. She sees through the BS. And that version of you doesn’t tolerate their manipulation anymore.

That’s why they fight so hard to keep you stuck.

But picture this: waking up without the fog, without the shame, without someone else’s voice in your head tearing you down. Imagine standing in your own truth, fully aware of your worth, unapologetic about your healing.

That’s freedom. That’s sobriety. That’s you, unchained.

So What Do You Do If You’re Sober But Stuck?

I wish I had a clean, easy answer for you. But the truth is, leaving a narcissist—or even just emotionally detaching from them—is complicated. It’s layered. And it’s scary. A few years ago I had the chance to get away from them and it was the best decision of my life. It was hard and it wasn't an immediate fix but it was the starting point to an incredible transformation for me.(More on that in a later post)

But here are a few steps that can help you reclaim your power:

1. Name what’s happening.
   Stop sugarcoating it. Call it what it is: manipulation, control, sabotage. Once you see it clearly, it loses some of its grip.

2. Build your circle.
   Whether it’s an online community (like the one I’m building), a support group, or that one friend who always keeps it real—find your people. Sobriety is not meant to be walked alone, especially when you’re tangled with toxicity.

3. Set non-negotiable boundaries.
   If you can’t leave right now, start small. Maybe it’s refusing to engage in certain conversations. Maybe it’s carving out sober spaces that are just for you. Every boundary is a brick in the wall between you and their chaos.

4. Rebuild your voice.
   For so long, you’ve probably been told you’re “too much” or “not enough.” Sobriety gives you the gift of rediscovering who you really are. Journal. Speak affirmations. Dance. Write. Create. Your voice matters, and it deserves to get louder.

5. Choose you, over and over.
   Every sober day is proof that you’re stronger than the lies they tell you. Every choice to heal is a rebellion against their control. Keep choosing you.

You Are Not Alone

If you’re reading this and nodding through the tears, I need you to know this: you’re not the only one. There are thousands of women walking this exact road—trying to untangle from toxic love while trying to hold onto their sobriety.

It feels lonely, but it’s not. That’s why I write these blogs, why I’m building this movement, why I believe so deeply in community. Because we heal faster when we heal together.

Sobriety isn’t just about putting the glass down. It’s about putting yourself first. It’s about realizing that love doesn’t look like control, and healing doesn’t happen in the shadows of someone else’s ego.

And yes—it’s scary. Yes—it feels impossible some days. But hear me: you are braver than you think. If you’ve already taken one step toward sobriety, you’ve already proven that you can do hard things.

The next step? Protecting that healing like your life depends on it. Because it does.

Final Truth

If you’re sober but stuck, remember this: your spirit was never meant to be drained. You were not created to be small, silenced, or controlled.

You were created to rise.

Sobriety is your weapon. Self-love is your shield. And walking away from anyone who tries to dim your light? That’s not weakness—it’s survival.

One day, you’ll look back and realize that getting sober wasn’t just about putting down the drink. It was about finally picking yourself up. And that’s the kind of healing nobody can take from you. 

Until next time… keep rising. 🌹⛓💥