It Was Never Easy: 13 Years of Fighting Myself & Finally Choosing Sobriety

 

Let me tell you something before we go any further.

Sobriety did not fall into my lap like some glowing miracle.

It did not happen because I “got inspired.”

It did not happen because life suddenly became easy.

It happened because I was exhausted.

Exhausted from fighting myself.
Exhausted from justifying my habits.
Exhausted from pretending I didn’t see what was right in front of me.

And if I’m being honest… it took me 13 years to get here.

Thirteen.

I was 24 when I first felt that whisper in my spirit:
“This might be a problem.”

But I didn’t listen.

The Age I Knew — But Didn’t Want to Know

At 24, everything still looked “normal.”

I was young.
I was social.
I was functioning.
I wasn’t “that bad.”

And that’s the dangerous part.

Because addiction doesn’t always show up in a dramatic rock-bottom moment.
Sometimes it shows up quietly. Respectably. Socially acceptable.

At 24, I started noticing patterns.

• I drank differently than some people.

• I thought about drinking when others didn’t.

• I needed it to relax.

• I needed it to celebrate.

• I needed it to cope.

But I convinced myself that this was adulthood.

“Everyone drinks.”
“It’s not that serious.”
“I can stop whenever I want.”

That lie lasted over a decade.

The 13-Year Battle No One Really Saw

Here’s what people don’t talk about.

You can look fine.
You can show up.
You can laugh.
You can travel.
You can take pictures.
You can hold conversations.

And still be battling something internally every single day.

For 13 years, I fought in silence.

There were seasons where I tried to “cut back.”
There were months where I told myself, “Okay, only on weekends.”
There were times I swore, “I’m done.”

And then… I wasn’t.

Because it wasn’t just about alcohol.

It was about:

• Escaping emotions.

• Avoiding hard conversations.

• Numbing disappointment.

• Dimming anxiety.

• Silencing self-doubt.

Sobriety isn’t just removing a substance.
It’s removing the shield.

And I wasn’t ready to feel everything yet.

The Hard Truth: I Lost Time

This is the part that still makes my chest tighten.

I wish I would have done this sooner.

I wish 25-year-old me could see what 37-year-old me sees now.

I wish I had trusted myself earlier.
I wish I hadn’t minimized it.
I wish I hadn’t waited for the internal breaking point.

Because my life now?

It’s peaceful.
It’s clear.
It’s aligned.
It’s purposeful.

And I can’t help but wonder how much earlier that peace could have started.

But here’s what I’ve learned:

Regret can either anchor you to the past — or fuel you forward.

I choose fuel.

The Switch Didn’t Flip Because Life Got Easier

Let me be clear.

I did not get sober because everything was perfect.

I got sober because I realized I was tired of living at 60% of my potential.

There wasn’t one catastrophic event.
There wasn’t a public meltdown.
There wasn’t a dramatic intervention.

There was just a quiet realization:

“If I keep going like this, I will never become who I’m meant to be.”

And that thought scared me more than quitting.

The First 30 Days: Brutal Honesty

The first 30 days were not glamorous at all.

There were:

• Cravings.

• Mood swings.

• Sleepless nights.

• Anxiety spikes.

• Social discomfort.

• A strange emptiness.

I had to sit with myself without numbing anything.

Do you know how loud your thoughts are when you remove the distraction?

I had to face:

• The ways I hurt people.

• The ways I disappointed myself.

• The excuses I made.

• The trauma I never processed.

Sobriety felt like stripping paint off a wall and seeing all the cracks underneath.

But here’s the thing about cracks…

You can’t repair what you refuse to see.

Around 60 Days: The Fog Began to Lift

Something subtle started happening.

My sleep improved.
My anxiety softened.
My skin cleared.
My eyes looked different.
My mornings felt lighter.

And the shame? It started losing its grip.

I wasn’t perfect.
I still had hard days.
But I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in years:

Control.

Not control over everything.
But control over myself.

And that changed everything.

Over 100 Days: I Started Meeting Myself

This is the part nobody prepares you for.

When you get sober long enough… you meet the real you.

Not the numbed version.
Not the filtered version.
Not the social version.

The actual you.

And I realized something shocking:

I wasn’t boring without alcohol.
I wasn’t less fun.
I wasn’t less social.
I wasn’t less interesting.

I was actually more present.
More confident.
More grounded.
More intentional.

For years, I believed alcohol enhanced me.

It didn’t.

It diluted me and made me weird.

200+ Days Sober at 37

I am now 37 years old and over 200 days sober.

And I can say this with absolute conviction:

This has not been easy.

But every second has been worth it.

There are still moments when I think,
“Just one won’t hurt.”

But I know myself now.

One always turns into more.

And more always turns into regret.

So I protect my peace like it’s sacred.

Because it is.

The Grief of Letting Go

There’s grief in sobriety.

Grief for:

• The old version of you.

• The party girl identity.

• The social crutch.

• The familiar chaos.

You almost feel like you’re breaking up with someone who was always there.

Even if that someone was hurting you.

But growth requires separation.

And I had to separate from the version of me that survived…
to become the version of me that thrives.

The Relationships That Changed

Sobriety rearranges your circle.

Some people disappear.
Some relationships deepen.
Some friendships fade.
Some become stronger than ever.

And that can hurt.

But what I’ve learned is this:

Anyone who only connects with you through alcohol…
was never connected to the real you.

Sobriety filters your life.

And what remains is authentic.

The Beauty of Clear Mornings

Let’s talk about mornings.

There is something powerful about waking up without regret.

No checking your phone to see what you said.
No piecing together the night.
No nausea.
No headache.
No shame.

Just clarity.

I never realized how much mental energy I was spending on managing guilt.

Now?

My mornings belong to me.

And that alone is priceless.

The Identity Shift

For years I thought:

“I’m just someone who drinks.”

Now I know:

I am someone who chooses growth.
I am someone who chooses healing.
I am someone who chooses clarity.
I am someone who breaks cycles.

That identity shift is everything.

Because when you change how you see yourself,
you change how you show up in the world.

I Wish I Did This Sooner — But I’m Grateful I Did It Now

Do I wish I had flipped the switch earlier?

Absolutely.

But I also understand something deeper now.

If I had done it earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have been ready.
Maybe I wouldn’t have understood the lessons.
Maybe I wouldn’t have felt the cost deeply enough.

There is timing in everything.

And I flipped the switch when I was truly ready to protect my future.

Not just survive my present.

It Is Absolutely Possible

If you are reading this and thinking:

“I could never.”

Let me stop you right there.

Yes, you can.

I battled this for 13 years.

Thirteen years of back and forth.
Thirteen years of minimizing.
Thirteen years of convincing myself I was fine.

And if someone had told 24-year-old me that at 37 I would be over 200 days sober and genuinely happy about it?

I would have laughed.

But here I am.

Clear.
Grounded.
Grateful.
Growing.

If I can do this after over a decade of fighting myself…

You can too.

Sobriety Didn’t Take My Life — It Gave It Back

That’s the biggest lie we believe.

That sobriety takes something away.

It doesn’t.

It returns:

• Your energy.

• Your confidence.

• Your clarity.

• Your ambition.

• Your discipline.

• Your relationships.

• Your self-respect.

It hands you back your power.

And that is priceless.

To Anyone in the Middle of the Fight

If you are:

• Questioning your habits.

• Tired of the cycle.

• Waking up with regret.

• Wondering if it’s “bad enough” to stop.

Listen to me.

You don’t need a dramatic rock bottom.
You don’t need public embarrassment.
You don’t need to lose everything.

You just need honesty.

And courage.

Courage to admit:
“This isn’t serving me anymore.”

That’s where it starts.

I Am Living Proof

I am 37.
I am over 200 days sober.
I fought this for 13 years.
I wish I had done it sooner.
But I am beyond grateful I did it now.

My life is not just better.

It is aligned.

It is intentional.
It is peaceful.
It is expanding.
It is full of possibility.

And it is only getting better.

My Mission Now

I didn’t flip the switch just for me.

I flipped it because I refuse to let another woman believe she’s stuck.

I want you to know:

• It is possible.

• It is hard.

• It is uncomfortable.

• It is emotional.

• It is confronting.

And it is worth every single tear.

If you are battling quietly the way I did for 13 years…

I see you.

And I promise you:

There is another side.

You are not weak.
You are not broken.
You are not too far gone.

You are capable of flipping the switch too.

And when you do?

You won’t just get sober.

You will get reborn.

*** If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

And if you’re on day 1, day 10, or day 200…

I am walking this road with you.

Clear.
Conscious.
Chosen.

Not cursed.

Chosen to change it. 🌹⛓💥